Since that first Christmas, there have been others where I stayed in Texas or Korea or went skiing, but since I’ve had kids, the last five Christmas Days have been memorable, either because of being with the kids or being without them. In 2004, I was a new mom, alone with a colicy baby and a husband who’d gone back to Iraq a few short weeks prior. At 4 am, the baby was awake, so I fed her, then opened presents for her with the dogs to keep us both company.
2005, mommy and daddy were both home and we stayed in Texas, hanging around the house and relaxing.

2006, I was alone again, this time, with a 2 month old and my then 2 year old. Daddy was back in Iraq, so what did Mommy do? We traveled to Maine to spend Christmas with my family. That was the first time my daughter was old enough to remember playing with my neice and they were only 3 days apart in age. They’ve been close since, especially this year, when they went to kindergarten together.

In 2007, we were all back together in Texas once more, but I had to head back to officer training in Georgia shortly after wards.

2008 was probably my worst Christmas. I’ve always been there. Me and the kiddos. Last year, though, was my first one away from my kids and it hit me, hard. There was a sad little tree outside our CHU (containerized housing unit) and someone had hung a few sad little decorations on it. It was as though in the middle of that crappy base, someone was determined to remember what day it was and why it was important.

But to me, diving into work and forgetting about everything at home was the way I coped. I misted up every time someone said Merry Christmas. I didn’t want to see the decorations. I didn’t want to pretend like the holiday mattered to me because without my kids, it didn’t. I know that’s not what Christmas truly is about, but for me, the real pain of missing my children was nothing compared to any notions of the reason for the season.

It hurt. A lot.

So this year, as my husband and I sneak out after the kids go to bed in order to play Santa and Mrs. Claus, I remember what last year was like and what this year is like for hundreds of thousands of families who’s loved ones are deployed during Christmas. And when I find myself getting frustrated with the crowds and the traffic, I remember what last year was like, when there were no crowds and there was no Christmas shopping.

And this year, when I’m hugging my kids and seeing their faces light up and get to hear my daughter singing in the Christmas Eve Mass, I’m going to take a deep breath and remember how lucky and how blessed I truly am. Because this year, more than most, means a lot to me.

I am home and I am grateful.